What cooking and being a good lover have in common
I think this is simpler than it sounds… is cooking, if done with presence, not a ceremony?
I believe without the ability to understand and involve oneself in ceremony, as both the holder of the space and as a fully involved participant, we will lack the ability to cultivate a powerful presence, a presence that is embodied by an energy that calms, holds, demands, gives and even arouses those coming into to contact with it.
You may be thinking “wtf is this spiritual mumbo jumbo” so lets go over some of the terms I’m using;
What is a ceremony?
If you want the google definition, go look! Im going to give you my definition and my frame of mind when I’m using the word.
A ceremony is anything that is done with intention. Intention is focused conscious effort and attention rather than something done unconscious and habitual. By this definition you can clearly turn anything into a ritual by adding a particular amount of attention to it. Simple example, washing dishes, we can do this methodically, correctly and precisely but completely unconsciously. Now, I wouldn’t even particularly say there’s any obvious reason why we’d need to perform mundane tasks with conscious effort, although, if we were interested in imbuing our actions with an essence of ceremony, we could start by bringing consciousness back into the act, sort of like as if it were the first time we were washing dishes. How could we do this? Maybe we get the perfect temperature of water, make sure we aren’t wasting water, having a clean sponge, taking note of every thing we are scrubbing and cleaning off, the intensity that different types of food debris require, how the water feels on our hands, the type of soap we’re using and how it feels on the skin, how it smells and the list goes on and on and on. There are countless things we could be giving our attention to in the act of washing dishes, but routinely most of us will do this unconsciously with our mind on other things, lacking any real presence… while I’d never say there’s anything wrong with this, I just think there are other options available to us that may bring a degree of joy, depth and curiosity into our lives.
What is a “holder of space” and a “fully involved participant”?
A holder of the space, in the way I’m using it here, refers to someone who will be conducting and maintaining the integrity of a ceremony. They create an environment that enables the experience of the ceremony to be conducive with the overall intention of all the “fully involved participants” entering into the ceremony in the first place. A fully involved participant is someone who is putting the conscious effort, that we talked about earlier with doing the dishes, into engaging fully in the ceremony. Participating by being there, mind, body and soul with their full curiosity, presence and maybe even joy.
What does this have to do with cooking and being a lover?
Did you ever hear that a mother’s “special ingredient” in their cooking was their love? Well stick with me because maybe they were revealing a clue to us with this simple, endearing idea that could, without changing what, but rather, how we do the things, present us with an opportunity for everlasting happiness and fulfillment in our lives. I think cooking is a beautiful example for this much more encompassing idea and I’ll share with you why. We’ve all met someone, or whole groups of people who say “I can’t cook” but what does this really mean? That they can’t understand the way in which to heat a pan on a stove? How to select the correct settings on the their oven? to use a knife? I think this idea can stem from something deeper that has to do with what we talked about earlier, the inability to conduct or participate in ceremony. Lets be honest, 99% of us can cook, I leave 1% for extremes, merely for the chance someone claims I lack empathy… but nearly all of us can, and I don’t even mean from scratch, we can look up recipes and follow them, this isn’t difficult for the majority of us, so why do so many people refuse to acknowledge their ability to? Im going to open my own little door here and you can follow me through if you wish, I believe it has to do with fear. Fear of preparing a ceremony that no one wants to participate in.
Why does this person have this fear? They may lack the ability to be truly present with what they are doing, especially when they know what they are doing will be tasted by another, taste is a sense that rarely lies. And of course, let’s not forget, part of cooking is also the presentation of your meal, the environment in which its served in and the company in which its enjoyed with. But, lets be grateful and have empathy to these sorts of people because I think they vaguely illuminate for us something that is laying dormant in deep dark recesses of our psyche, maybe cooking is a naturally ceremonial act that modern society has bastardized nearly to the point of it being unrecognizable.
Cooking as a ceremony
Picture this, you have 3 hours until someone you deeply care for is coming over for a meal. You’re enthusiastic, not only to share a wonderful meal with this person, but also to engage in the art of cooking, something you’ve never cooked before at that. You turn on your favorite music, put any other distractions out of your mind, get your fresh ingredients out and ready, admiring their colors, smells, textures and different ways they make you feel. You’re not the most experienced chef, usually only rotating through a few of your favorite dishes week after week, but this excites you because what’s the worst that can go wrong? You know as long as you don’t burn, over season or forget an important ingredient, the final product will turn out wonderful enough to be easily enjoyed and you’ll have the recipe better understood in your mind making it possibly a new dish for your rotation. You relish in the experience as you chop your ingredients down to size with your favorite knife that slices with the most delicate and poetic precision, thinking how a tool like this demands first respect then immediately admiration, for it does its job with such grace, The chance for it to find expression through you is a pleasure. Then you begin to sauté, fresh ingredients in a high quality butter, the smells and sounds are nothing but a delight. Slowly you watch as the ingredients change color, texture and consistency, you suddenly feel overwhelmed and feel compelled to thank them silently for going through such an intriguing and involved procession of chemical reactions for the sake of you giving the gift of nourishment and connection to yourself and your dear friend. One and half hours has gone by, its felt like a flash but not wasted by any means, the ingredients that were letting droplets of water fall to your counter not long ago are now fused, combined and enlivened with the help of your imagination, artistry and effort. A few times though, you questioned yourself about which ingredient came first, how much of this or that seasoning would be right, how hot your flame should be and others things of this nature. Although now, you look upon a concoction that appears, nourishing, colorful and radiates with something special, something that you didn’t buy, something not on your list of ingredients, something maybe only you can see, but this special something gives you a good feeling, a feeling that it will be enjoyed.
Only 1 and a half hours left, perfect. Not enough time to go buy flowers, but that’s okay… In your garden you have some flowers growing, usually you’d leave them be, but this is such a perfect chance for them to join for the evening, to enjoy and be enjoyed, you decide to go and pick a bouquet that can decorate the table and enjoy dinner with you and your loved one. You aren’t in a hurry now, knowing you have enough time, you pick the flowers that you think will match the meal the best, the ones embodying an energy that will compliment the ambiance you intend to gift for the evening… you take your time, you’ve never been a florist, never been one to think of yourself as having exquisite taste, but you have patience and can enjoy looking through the flowers, trusting and choosing the ones that just feel like the “right” ones to you. Coming back inside you arrange them a few different ways, finally settling on a way that makes you think, “yes” you suddenly realize, being someone who has never actually picked their own flowers, you don’t have any vases! Chuckling to yourself, you begin looking around thinking what might work. After 5 minutes you’ve found a few plastic things that might work, but out of respect for your flowers and a personal appreciation of beauty you decide against plastic, realizing you have only a few small glass cups, nothing big enough for the whole bouquet, you decide upon breaking up the bouquet into 3 smaller ones and placing them in the impromptu small glass vases… arranging them in a triangle on the table where you will eat. You notice you’re smiling to yourself once more, the flowers suddenly seem to radiate the same glow you had noticed earlier in the food… you giggle at yourself out loud for being so cheeky, rather pleased with the scene and the energy in the room at that moment.
You go to check on the food, just about done. Suddenly you hear a knock at the door, has time completely gotten away from you, you thought you still had another 45 minutes? Sure enough, when you check the clock, 45 minutes until you expected your guest to arrive… you take in the smell the food one last time before going to open the door, they’ve arrived! Rather than questioning them about why they are early, more than anything because the joy of seeing them have overtaken you and the latter feels hardly important, you embrace, hugging for a few seconds, enough to really feel how the other is, not at all out of formality or habit but because your loved one has arrived and you’re genuinely happy and know no other way to properly transmit this other than letting them feel it for themselves. You take them to the kitchen to show them what you’ve prepared for them to enjoy with you, not feeling compelled to communicate its not ready, rather authentically showing how excited and grateful you are to be able to have put your energy into creating something that can be enjoyed. For the next 45 minutes you listen with your whole attention to them explain to you how they are doing, and about the unfavorable circumstances that led them to coming 45 minutes early. They were agitated and sad when walking through your door, now as you look in their eyes, you notice something radiating in them, something akin to what you saw from the flowers and the food, you notice this but gently bring yourself back to the moment. They’ve acknowledged talking only about themselves and feel the need, coupled with the desire to ask how you are… With enthusiasm, you smile and touch their hand tenderly, telling them its time to eat, with a bigger smile you lead them to the table, telling them to wait just a minute. You go prepare the plates, never having considered yourself an artist or a chef, you arrange the food on the plate in the way that makes you feel good, topping it with a few fresh herbs for touch, slices of green avocado down one side. When you return with the plates, your loved on remarks on how unique your flower arrangement is on the table, you chuckle to yourself and give thanks explaining it was a last minute touch.
Once served your loved one lights up, the colors and smells overwhelm them and bring intense emotions and feelings to the surface, they give you a heartfelt smile and say “thank you” with their whole soul. You both enjoy dinner, your loved one remarks how amazing the food is and in the back of your mind you laugh because you were completely just trying something new but couldn’t be more glad how turned out. You give each other your full attention during conversation, never allowing your selves to slip into insecurity or defensive tendencies no matter the question or subject, it feels difficult to any way at this table with its delicious food, radiant eyes, happy flowers and the quiet soothing music in the background.
How does this make you feel?
Now lets imagine that this guest we talked about above was not necessarily a “loved one” rather someone you’ve met once or twice before, romantically interested in and having dinner with at your house for the first time. I think it’s clear how this level of attention, presence, care, authenticity and joy could and would touch the heart of most people. Now imagine you’re able to give this same level of attention to everything in your life? To all the important people in your life and maybe even every person you interact with? Preparing the meal, setting up the environment, giving full attention without pretense or resentment, communicating with authenticity, giving your full presence to the experience of being with someone, this made us the “holder of space” in this ceremony. But also, we played the role of “fully involved participant” by being able to listen, truly listen to our guest when they came early, this is also a crucial point of being a lover, a lover can respect someone else’s needs and give, can partake in someone else’s ceremony without expectations. If someone doesn’t feel like you take them seriously they will never be able to open up, dissolve their walls, be in the moment with you.
I’ll tell you what I did not feel from this story,
Fear.
Many of us live in worlds of obligation, I ask what it would be like to live in a world of opportunities.
Stay in light, stay in love
Jay Bierschenk