What does it mean? Boys have ideas of what it means, men have beliefs of what it means. But where does that leave us?
This isn’t something political, something “progressive” or “regressive” its something personal.
From an early age I had ideas of masculinity, of course being born with a penis influenced this, as well as being born into a family of men. My parents were never married and as far back as I can remember by fathers side of my family were “men”, capable of building with their hands, capable of decisive action, capable of carving their name in the tablets of old by taking risks, by choosing adventure. But I hardly saw these men in relationship, hardly saw these men express their inner child or show unbridled, secure and confident love besides in their eyes when they “created something” a validating object if you will.
On the other end, I saw another side of the spectrum. My mother married a broken man, a man without self control, a man who would feel everything without any ability to regulate. Becoming a man through his eyes meant trial through fire, coal under pressure, overcoming of the internal insanity of ancestral man in the modern world through battling, and to battle, one must be trained, and a man can only show a boy, prepare a boy, for these battles through demonstration.
What did it all mean to me? I’m an older brother, I need to be strong, radiate courage in the face of despair, lead to the light… I’m the sole confidant to an abused mother, I need to be stable, if I can’t defend her, my only power comes from forgiveness and compassion and an awareness of the fatal nature of blame, shame and guilt. I was the youngest of a strong pack of lone wolfs, I need to aspire, acquire and demonstrate my value, need to prove myself “worthy”
These were my experiences of masculinity as a boy, they may be unique but not special, everyone has their influences, their examples, their experiences. As I grew up, entering puberty and my teenage years, my ideas of my own masculinity reflected taking the best of what I saw and leaving the worst. Be capable but curious, Be deadly but controlled, develop empathy but also boundaries.
I wont go into my experiences of expressing that masculinity in relationship directly, you can get an idea of what my process looked like with that through my other post “Shedding Bachelorism” but what I would like to talk about is how the above ideas reflect approaches, not actions, attitudes not directives.
I knew I should be strong, but what is strength? I knew I should be capable, but of what? I knew I should be able to care, to feel, but what? When? How much?
There’s no answer to any of this, they’re only ideas, only stories that expose deep feeling, think Iron John or Siddhartha. When it comes to me as a man now, I find myself dancing primarily with being the captain of my ship, keeping my castle in order. I spent my early adult life healing, healing preconceived notions of all of this, building the bridge between intention and direction. Now as a 26 year old man, I find myself again in new emerging territory of what it means to be a man, am I masculine if I can’t afford to support a family? traditionally, a man should be able to financially support, in the modern age, is this a farce? The idea may be a farce, but is the reality of it? Is it about actually supporting or just being able to? How can a woman live in my castle if it’s not prepared to support her? How can a woman trust me be the captain of our ship if we’re sailing into uncharted waters?
Again lots of metaphors, and to generalize the idea of a relationship between a man and woman is difficult and especially touchy in our modern world. Relationships don’t appear uniform as they have in the past, so where does that leave humans in dire need of connection, and love? I think it leaves us with a choice, a choice to keep on trying, doing our best to embrace the complexity, not shy away from it. Life happens regardless of our opinion or approach. I know for me I want a family, I want lots of kids, a deep, loving nurturing union with a woman and I know I could spend lifetimes figuring “it” out and then preparing to get “it right”.
Maybe being a man is having the courage to say “yes” to the now… letting go of the fear of getting it wrong, being not ready or messing things up. Maybe being a man is not always being sure, but leading the way, holding the flag and diving head first for what seems right, just and good anyway.
We’ll never know what it means, but we will always do our best.
Here’s to men doing their best to be men.
Stay in light, Stay in love
Jay Bierschenk